(Continued from last week) In Young Life one of the great privileges that we have on staff is to work for a month at one of our camping properties. It is awesome to be part of a community of believers with a common purpose. We typically serve between 300 and 600 teenagers a week for an entire month. Needless to say it is an intense, but rewarding, time as we watch hundreds of kids make first time commitments to Christ. One of the most important things that we tell our team of folks is to keep short accounts. In other words, if someone on the team does something to offend you, then go to them immediately and get it resolved. Don’t make a list of offenses and carry them around for a month; that is the surest way to create conflict that is difficult to resolve. In the same way, we want to teach our kids to keep short accounts. Teach them how to appropriately approach someone who they think has wronged them. Practice with them, or better yet go with them the first couple of times. It is a great gift to train them in the art of speaking “truth in love” with a fellow brother or sister in Christ. Someone once gave me great advice. They told me that the acid test for them was whether or not they wanted to have the conversation. In other words, if they were anxious to confront the person who had offended them, then they probably had the wrong motives and the wrong heart. But, if they truly didn’t want to have the conversation but knew they must, then there was a good chance their heart was in the right place. Praying with your kids before they go to speak to the other party is an important step (and lesson) in preparation for this meeting.

Next, we must teach them what to do when they are the offending party. One of the “lies of the street” is that you are weak if you say, “I’m sorry.” We must teach our kids the truth, that it takes great strength and courage to admit when you have done something wrong and simply say I’m sorry. But there is a right way and a wrong way to do that. Too many times kids will look at the floor and mumble, “I’m sorry.” Or they will say I’m sorry expecting a particular response. We must teach them how to look another person in the eyes and say clearly, “I’m sorry.” But if we stop there, we will miss one of the most important aspects of restoration. Remember the goal in this teaching is restoration. If we say I’m sorry and stop, then the conversation is over. Instead, we want to teach our child to say a couple more things. “I’m sorry for… (Insert here exactly what it is they are sorry about. Too often we offer a very generic apology or worse yet we say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry if I did anything wrong”. Our child needs to take responsibility for their actions.

Then they need to ask, “Will you please forgive me.” Now we have offered an apology and have passed the baton to the offended party (who might also be guilty of offending – more on that next). Nothing more needs to be said – no explanation or excuses. The other party now has the burden to decide on their response. This is a great time to prepare our kids for the possible outcomes. First (and surely what we hope for) the other person could say, I forgive you and the restoration of the relationship is well on the way. Second, they might say nothing or possibly, I need to think about that. And third, they might say, I can never forgive you or some variation of that. We need to teach our kids that all they are responsible for are their own actions. Once they have done the right thing, they need not worry about how it is received. And one final touch at the end is this – teach them to ask the other person if there is anything they can do to make it right.

But what if the person we offended also offended us? Well once again we want to teach our kids to do the right thing. The “lies of the street” will say that people will take advantage of us, they’ll abuse us. The truth is that we must do the right thing. We are only responsible for our actions. Even if the other person has offended us, we need to take care of our part. Remember suggestion number two above, keep short accounts. If we feel we have been offended then certainly we should appropriately express that to the other party. But, and this is key, not in the same conversation as our apology. Doing so would reduce our apology to no more than an introduction to our complaint, “I’m sorry, but you were wrong too!” When we apologize, we need to take responsibility for our actions and nothing more. We can address how we have been offended another time. And you never know, after hearing a heartfelt apology, the other person very well may take responsibility for their actions on their own. But remember, we should train our kids not to expect a particular response. They should do the right thing because it is the right thing.

And finally we want to teach our children how to be on the receiving end of an apology. Sometimes it is as difficult to be the one that says, “I forgive you,” as it is to say I’m sorry. Certainly Jesus gives us the “right” thinking on this when he was asked how many times we should forgive someone else. While scripture says seven times seventy, I believe that doesn’t actually mean four hundred and ninety times, but literally an infinite number of times. In other words, if someone comes to your child and says, “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me?” Then we must teach our kids the correct biblical response of, “Yes, I forgive you.” Certainly we can teach our child that they don’t have to be in a close relationship with that person (in case they have been offended repeatedly), but without a doubt we are to forgive as the Lord has forgiven us. Imagine what the world would look like if everyone handled differences with other people like this.