As I mentioned in yesterday's blog, Saturday officially marked the beginning of soccer season. Our youngest daughter Sina played 3 games in her first tournament. Unfortunately, her team lost 2 of the 3 games and by a pretty healthy amount, which is a nice way of saying we got spanked! It’s easy after games like we had to wonder why the coach didn’t do this or play so and so. Our coach is young and in coaching he certainly doesn’t have the experience I have. Believe me, if your kids participate in athletics long enough, it is only a matter of time before you will find yourself at odds with a coach. At best, you will question a decision they make, but if you’re not careful it can easily escalate into a major conflict. So what should I do when I’m having trouble with my child’s coach? First, I need to share a conclusion I’ve come to after thousands of games, after thousands and thousands of practices and literally hundreds of coaches (remember I mentioned that we went through a 6 year season in our family’s life when we had over 100 basketball games and 100 baseball games a year!). Here’s what I discovered: There aren’t that many great coaches. I feel like we have been blessed with some really good coaches. But most of our coaches were just good people that said yes when there was a need (which of course meant that I didn’t say yes). A few of them were really good. They had that rare combination of good character, coaching experience, they were good teachers, and they were good with the kids. And yes, on occasion we had coaches that weren’t very good. When I say that, it’s not based on their knowledge of the cover 2 or the match-up zone defense. By the way, to set the record straight Sina’s soccer coach is one of the good ones. Is he ready to coach in the MLS? No. But he has those things I mentioned above. But what if that’s not the case?

To be clear, there are boundaries that we must draw as parents in order to protect our kids. There’s a line of behavior and language that if crossed would require us to step in as parents. But if we’re honest, most of the time our problems with a coach are more about playing time, or what position my child is playing, or which team they were placed on. The boundary we established is this: unless what the coach is asking is illegal or immoral, our kids should respond with, “yes coach” and do it. Remember God is not surprised by who is coaching your child – they aren’t there by accident. Yesterday I said to use athletics and to not let it use you. One of the key ways to use athletics is to take advantage of the hundreds of teachable moments athletics provides. Great coaches will offer your child some wonderful teachable moments, but so will bad ones. In fact, your child will probably learn more in terms of character development and life skills under a bad coach that she will under a good one. I’m not suggesting you place your kid with all the bad coaches, but I am saying to trust that God can use any coach to impact your family. And if there are illegal or immoral issues, then we the adults must handle those. We all love our kids and we hurt when they are hurting. It’s hard when we see them discouraged because they’re not playing enough, or because they’re not winning. But at the end of the day, it’s so much more important to teach our kids to do the right thing and to allow God to use the people around them to transform them into greater Christ-likeness.

Some of you know the story about our oldest son and third child Tavita. A few years ago it was his sophomore year at Stanford University and he was the backup quarterback. The week before they were scheduled to play the USC Trojans, our starting quarterback had a seizure. The end result was Tavita- with just 3 college passes on his resume- would make his first start against the number one team in the country at the LA coliseum. By game time Stanford was a 41.5 point underdog. It was truly a David (which by the way is Tavita in Samoan) vs. Goliath game. No one gave them a chance, but as the story goes Stanford won 24-23. The next morning it was national news. ESPN ran the interview with Tavita all day long. He went on to start the next 19 games. His junior year they were one win away from going to a bowl game. They would return almost the entire offense the following year. He was excited to lead his team as the senior quarterback. Unfortunately, he was beat out by a freshman phenom, Andrew Luck. I had several “football guys” tell me how wrong it was to displace the senior quarterback before the season started. Many felt it was Tavita’s “right” to lose the job on the field. Jim Harbaugh, the head coach felt differently and his is the only opinion that mattered. The question was how would our family respond to this news? And even more importantly, how would Tavita respond to his demotion? In August, we met as a family to talk about the importance of doing the right thing. The coach, who knows what he’s doing had spoken. Andrew, a very nice young man and an incredible quarterback was now the starter. Our response would be to support and encourage Tavita and the new starting quarterback. Thankfully Tavita handled the decision even better than we did. Maybe another day I can share more about his experiences that year. Suffice to say at the end of the year he was honored and rewarded by his teammates and his coaches for the leadership he showed during that season. The team played on national TV in the Sun Bowl. And due to an injury to Andrew, Tavita ended up starting the last game of his college career. It turned out that mentoring the young Luck gave Tavita some great experience coaching. Today he is actually getting an opportunity to coach at Stanford.

Tavita celebrating after the winning touchdown pass against USC!

Things don't always work out this simply, but that does not change the fact that we should do the right thing and encourage our kids to do the same.

Coaches are people. They are going to make mistakes, but more often than not, they are doing the best they can. Next time you disagree with a coach's decision, rather than complain- especially within earshot of your child- try showing them the love of Jesus. When they mess up (and they will!), if its not illegal or immoral see what happens if you offer words of encouragement rather than condemnation. Remind yourself that many of your child’s coaches are volunteering their time. It’s actually costing them to coach. Find out how you can support and appreciate them. Next time a coach disciplines your child, resist the urge to shield him/her and allow the opportunity for a teachable moment. And remember, if you make some decision because you don’t want athletics to (ab)use your family (like not practicing on Sunday, or missing a tournament), you and your child must be prepared to accept the repercussions. Again, it’s another great learning opportunity that our decisions have consequences.

Everything you experience on the athletic field can prepare you for life in the real world. The costs are lower, but the opportunity for teachable moments is greater. Let’s start to see coaches as our partners in ministry, joining us on this journey of training Godly character into our kids.