This subject of sibling affection is one of the most common topics we get asked about!! We all want children that are kind to each other. We want them to be lifelong friends.The blind spot is two-fold: 1) We have bought into the lie of our culture - all siblings fight and 2) We don’t know how to effectively teach them to be loving,loyal and to serve one another. These two issues cause us to parent tentatively and without the confidence we need to impart change.

Our family (the eight kids and my son in law) having some fun with family photos.

Notice the hops on the two old people in the middle!

I wish I had you all with me to elaborate on these ideas! Here are some things that helped at our house with 8 siblings (not to mention other foster kids):

   Do NOT allow siblings to do harm to each other (see blog “Do No Harm”) ie verbally, physically and/or relationally.

         The consequences of this at our house range from

·        You must say 2 nice things to your sibling about something they have control over (ie. I like the way you teach me how to throw a football)

·        NO FRIENDS until you can be nice to your siblings (we aren’t going to be wonderful to friends out there and be ugly to the people that God has placed in our family)

·        You are twins for a day until we see a change (other than bodily functions the two quarreling siblings are joined at the hip)

·        Your life is over as you know it until we see the behavior that we want (we need them to know how seriously we take this)

   We teach the principle that we divide the sorrow and multiply the joy. We want our kids to learn how to be happy for the sibling that receives a blessing. We treat children fairly but not always equally. I have been known to artificially induce inequality. While I’m out with one child we’ll pick out something special for their brother or sister, for no reason other than teaching them how good it feels to bless their sibling. Of course the child with me wonders, “where is mine?” I don’t buy anything for the sibling with me. This becomes a wonderful teaching time on the importance of being happy for those who get something special.

We do very intentional teaching with our children about how to treat their sibling’s friends. We don’t want the older siblings picking on a friend or the younger siblings irritating the older friends. We also teach our own kids to take responsibility for their friends being kind to their siblings (especially the younger ones). This has far reaching effects for the sibling relationships. It also allows everyone to have fun when we have guests in the house.

Lastly, we live by a very strong age hierarchy system in our home. We’ll spend more time on future blogs talking about this. The older children are expected to be servant leaders. We want them to serve, protect, lead and teach the younger siblings. The younger ones are expected to honor, obey and serve the older ones. This has been a win-win for our family and prevented many fights over who gets to go first or who sits in the front seat. I know the age hierarchy also brings up many questions –we’ll expand on this later. For now I hope this helps.