Another mother writes: (used with her permission)

Hello Kelli! It had been awhile since we have emailed! Things have been good, but we are still having issues with our daughter that I can’t seem to fix. The #1 thing is keeping self control. It turns into yelling and whining and crying when I tell her no or she doesn’t get some thing her way... she is starting kindergarten in September and I worry about this happening in school. It has been transferring to her younger sister, she says she can’t do things because it’s too hard, or no I can't and crosses her arms...GRRRRR it gets frustrating! I have been feeling like I am always disciplining and putting them in the hallway....any suggests to nip this before it gets worse or mommy has anymore melt down!?

Thank you for the email and the question. Self-control is one of the most important things to teach our children (in our seminars it is the third most important thing to teach your child). It is a foundational piece of everything from managing their money to managing their sex drive. We start very early and are passionate about this character quality. We make training self-control a priority. Here are some things that helped us in this hard work:

1.)    Make sure your children know what you mean by self control. Teach them the behavior that will help them have self-control. For instance, when they are trying to ask you a question with a whiny voice, rather than yell, “stop whining!” In your best self-controlled voice say something like, “use a big, strong voice. I want to hear what you have to say, but I can’t help you when you use that voice”. Tell them what you want. I know some of you will say that is cheesy – but it works. Let them know mommy and daddy have to practice self control. Praise like crazy when they do it right and repeat!!

2.)    Role play when things are calm. Have them practice doing things for you using self control, for example have them pick up, get ready for bed, help their sister find her shoes. While there’s no pressure, have them practice saying, “Yes mom” when asked to do something and then practice doing it with a happy heart. Let them know (again while it is calm) if you don’t respond this way we will simply say, “Try again please”. Because you have practiced you can reference back to the role play to help them remember how to do it right.

3.)    We often say, “Life as you know it stops until we get the behavior we want.” In training self control we have used the stairs to reinforce this. It is not a time out. We do not govern or decide when they are ready to return. It is simply a place we send them until they can get control of themselves. We want the child to feel happy and strong enough to have the self control he needs to obey, to use a big strong voice, or to just do what needs to be done. Some of our children have stayed longer on the stairs than others. Remember to be the kind of mom that kids want to get back to so they are motivated to re-join the family.

4.)    This is hard training. There were days some of our children spent more time on the stairs than with me. But it paid off!! Please hear us when we say, it is sooo worth what it takes to teach your children to be self controlled.

This is an email we got from Krista out of the blue while she was away at college.

I see so many kids here at UH (University of Hawaii) hurting so bad ‘cause they can’t make themselves do what they have to do, to get where they really want to be. They can tell you who they really want to be, they can tell you what they have to do to get there, but when it comes down to making decisions, something isn’t there. I am so thankful for delayed gratification, even in the little things all throughout my life. I am so thankful for self-control. Even though I don’t exercise it in every area of my life, I am working on it. I love you guys so much…

    Dani with Krista for Krista's graduation from U of Hawaii

Proverbs 25:28 says this, like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control. Be diligent with this training. Don’t grow weary or discouraged. Start when they are young (or wherever they are today) and don’t stop. We want our kids to enter life with their “walls” intact.