If you are married, one of the most important parenting principles we could share is to take great care of your marriage. It’s amazing over the years how our kids have picked up on that. Just last night we found ourselves in a rare situation with only one child and my sister at dinner time. We decided why cook, the four of us should go out to dinner. As we were getting ready, Keila, my fourteen year old son, said he and his aunty were going to get fast food so Kelli and I could go out on a date – just the two of us. I remember times when I would walk in the door at home and my oldest daughter would be standing there to greet me. “Dad, you and mom should go out on a date tonight. I’ve already started cooking something for dinner. Krista and I will take care of the kids – you two just go, please!” or something like that. I’m sure some of it was having some time without us – but they knew intuitively something that we believe has its roots biblically. Kelli and I are better parents when we are truly one flesh. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life – we lose sight of that. Often when things would start to get tense at home our kids would be the ones to notice and spring into action!

A friend of mine likes to say – happy wife, happy life! There is great wisdom in that statement. Our kids, would say, happy parents, happy life (I know – doesn’t rhyme). It’s hard to have happy parents if the marriage is a train wreck – or even if it is just tense. The challenge is, if your marriage is struggling, how do you stop long enough to work on it? Today with our kids mostly grown – the oldest 26 and married, the youngest eleven – it’s much simpler for us to get time together. But during those early years, when all of our kids were young (remember we spent something like eighteen years in diapers!) it was much harder. You can’t just walk out when one child has a poopie diaper, another child needs a bottle and a third needs a bath (moms – do I hear an amen?!). So in those early years we had a babysitter on retainer. Marisa, a dear friend, who today is like a surrogate daughter, started coming over every week. She was in eighth grade; that was 17 years ago. Sunday nights after church Marisa would come home with us and we would go out on a date. After a while we could literally pull in the drive way, let them out of the van and drive off (another reason by the way to be passionate and intentional about your parenting). When it was bed time, she would put them to bed, and go to sleep herself. The next morning we would take her to school. This went on until she graduated from high school. We would take Marisa on family vacations, weekend outings – she became part of our family. Kelli’s the first to tell you that knowing a date was coming served as a pressure release valve for things that would come up.

Our dates where pretty simple – sometimes we would go out to eat or to a movie, but most of the time we were just together, we’d go for a drive, we’d go shopping, we’d buy a cup of coffee (and this was before Starbucks). When your kids are young, it’s the most difficult season to find opportunities to be alone – but it’s also the most important time to find a way. You’re trying to raise your kids, but you’re also trying to grow your marriage. In Ephesians 5 Paul reminds us that we are to become one flesh. Husbands love your wives – wives respect your husbands. Men, Kelli felt very loved when I took care of the arrangements for the kids. Ladies, I felt so respected that Kelli would choose spending time with me over time with the kids. You don’t’ have to do what we did – but you do have to find a way to make your marriage a priority. And we have to give that more than just lip service. Men, if you’re like me – you’re not very detail oriented. Kelli is so much better at handling those types of things; even today. But, I had to care enough about my marriage to overcome some of my own shortcomings and take the lead on our date night. Ladies, Kelli was always so in tune with our kids; honestly much more so than me. There is a part of her that never wanted to leave our kids – she’s mom, she knows them best, they need her. I know it sounds petty and selfish; but what about me? Oh how I appreciated her willingness to let things be less than perfect at the house because she was going to spend time with just me!

Marisa with the family on vacation                     More recently with Dani and Sina                        (Kelli's behind the camera)

Everyone talks about how we can show love for our wives or respect for your husband. I have another friend that says, ”let’s do it and then talk about it.” Guys, I’ll put this one on you. Stop talking about ways to love your wife and start doing them (by the way – I know that if you are reading this I’m probably preaching to the choir so consider this affirmation). And you can start by setting up a date night. It doesn’t have to be every week. Start with one; she deserves it, your marriage deserves it, and your kids deserve it.