One of our readers sent us this, “How do you respond when or if you get criticism for having a large family. We have a lot of children and would love more but have people in our lives who feel we are doing a disservice to our first children by adding more. They think that every child must not be getting enough attention or extra-curricular activities.”

First, thank-you Jill for the question, we certainly “feel your pain”. Over the years we have had fun with all the questions people ask; “Are you Catholic or Mormon? Are they yours, mine and ours? Do you know what causes them?” At that point they simply look at us with a blank star… Especially in today’s culture, people aren’t sure what to do with larger families. I remember when we were young parents preparing to have our third child having this same conversation with some of the older couples in our life. One couple in particular told us, “we did what everyone else did; we had our two kids, had a vasectomy and we were done.” It wasn’t a matter of prayer, they didn’t even really discuss it, they simply did what everyone else (culture) was doing. For this specific couple, it wasn’t so much that it was wrong, but in the blink of an eye, their two children were grown and moving out of the house. As parents, they felt like they had more years in them – but no children to parent. There was definitely a sense of, “why did we do that? Why didn’t we have more kids?”

With that said, I don’t believe the answer is for everyone to have more kids!!! But I do believe the answer is to pray. God certainly has something to say to each one of us about how many kids we should have. I don’t think culture has the answer for every family and I don’t think the answer is the same for every family any more than I think every family should be in “full time” ministry or every Christian should go on the mission field. So getting more specifically to your question – if a Christian is asking our first answer should be, “we’ve prayed about it and sought the Lord for direction.” I realize that can come off as a pat answer – but that doesn’t make it any less true. The good news is, once we’ve heard from the Lord, does it really matter what everyone else thinks? But sometimes the question is coming from a non-Christian who doesn’t really care what God thinks and certainly doesn’t believe God somehow gave us an answer. What do we say then?

Again, if we’ve done the first part and checked in with the Lord and have a sense of direction that God isn’t finished with us, then at the very least we can move answer questions with confidence and boldness. I tell people they are absolutely right! The experience for my third child will be different than for my first and even more different for my eighth child. There is no way we spent as much one on one time with Tana (number five) as we did with Krista (number two). There are only twenty four hours in a day and only one of you – of course if you count your spouse there are two of you. As a side note that’s why we always tell people three kids is the hardest (at least if you have a two parent home) because you have to go from man to man defense to zone defense! After the third you just have to adjust the zone. So be honest – it is different for each child. But the good news is, it gets BETTER! If we do our job with child number one and child number two and child number three, then child number four gets something the other three didn’t get – the three of them! Talk to my youngest child, Sina and she will tell you how much she has appreciated her siblings – each one of them have played a role in who Sina is today. None of that replaces Kelli and my responsibilities to parent her, but it adds to the richness and fullness of who Sina has become. What a gift for her to get a call from Alyse in California asking how her test went, or a surprise visit from her sister in Pullman on her birthday, or to have her division I quarterback brother on the sidelines of her youth soccer game. Do you think Sina is feeling deprived when she loses an hour or two with mom and dad but it’s multiplied tenfold through her brothers and sisters.

Absolutely extra-curricular activities are hard – as we’ve shared on other blogs, we’ve had years with 100 baseball and 100 basketball games in a season! Kelli and I can’t possibly attend all of those games. As our older kids became teenagers and started having the more demanding high school schedules we discussed this dynamic at our family meetings. We explained when they were little mom and dad went to all of their games. The only way we can continue to follow them as teenagers was if they helped us cover the little kid’s games. So it was not unusual for Kelli and I to be at one child’s game, while Alyse and Krista were watching one of the little kids play. Another side note, Kelli and I made the decision to attend most games together. While we are only able to cover half as many games, we feel the pay off of being a united team is worth the sacrifice. On numerous occasions our older kids have attended school awards assemblies because for some reason neither Kelli nor I could make it. Of course more often than not, we will all make it to a game or an awards banquet or a school assembly. When that happens our eight year old soccer player easily has the largest (and loudest) crowd in attendance!!! It can be really fun to be from a large family. So, Jill yes there are big sacrifices (my younger kids have had to wear a lot of hand me downs) but the blessings of having three and four and sometimes more kids are wonderful and something we wouldn’t have traded.

Let me end with a story about Tavita (number three). Growing up in a home with lots of kids there were times he thought, “I’m having two kids so they don’t have to grow up in this craziness.” One day he was shaving in the shower and he cut himself. Immediately he had a flashback to the time he was showing Keila (number seven) how to shave (he wasn’t supposed to be doing this by the way!) and nicked him. Of course he quickly made Keila promise to not tell dad (I know we have parenting issues but we’re working on them). They ended up laughing about the incident. Now looking back Tavita told us he doesn’t want his kids to miss out on those kinds of stories. There is an eight year difference between them.

We do get funny looks sometimes when we all show up together!

So pray for wisdom – trust that God will answer your prayers – then don’t worry what culture is saying and know that God wants to use you and your family makeup (regardless of the number) to draw others to Christ!