Is Marriage Becoming Obsolete? This was one of the many questions asked in a recent survey done by Pew Research Center, in association with Time Magazine. The results were published in the November 29, 2010 issue of Time Magazine. I’m not sure how revealing the findings were, but it certainly confirms what many have observed anecdotally: the state of our unions in America is shifting. The November 29^th cover story “Who Needs Marriage?” unveils a question people are asking, whether we like it or not. When Kelli and I get the opportunity to speak to teenagers about relationships and marriage, we almost always start by apologizing for how poorly our generation (and the generation before us) has modeled and taught the covenant of marriage. We certainly aren’t surprised at the question Time is asking – we’re even less shocked by the answers. When it comes to marriage, many young people today are wondering what’s the point – who needs it? I don’t care what the survey says – the answer is we all need marriage! God was not confused and just because the institution of marriage is struggling right now doesn’t change the truth; God intended for a man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. We tell couples marriage is the hardest thing we’ve ever worked at, but it is SO worth it.

A couple of days before we were married - the beginning of God using us to grow each other, a journey that continues today!

According to the Time magazine article, in 1960 two-thirds of the 20-somethings were married; in 2008 only 26% were. This is just one of many statistics that underscores an alarming reality. Many young adults, who once assumed they’d turn 20, get married and start a family, instead are asking, “Who needs marriage?” I believe part of the problem is we are asking the right question, but looking the wrong direction for the answer. As most people enter into a marital union they are asking the question what’s in it for me. Unfortunately what they mean by that question is, how is this other human being going to bless me and make me happy? In his book Sacred Romance, Gary Thomas reminds us that marriage isn’t just about making us happy; it is about making us more holy. My parents obviously had a huge impact on who I am today. But without question, the single greatest tool God has used to shape me and mold me (sometimes very painfully) into the man I am today is Kelli. No one knows me like she does. I can’t fool her. I have no armor against her. If you have been married for any length of time you can relate; no human being can push my buttons as fast or effectively as Kelli. That is why she is the perfect person, if I will allow it, to help me become more holy.

Of course it requires serious work. There are tremendous resources we recommend when it comes to “working” on your marriage. Teaching like Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich can be a powerful tool for your relationship. Unfortunately, we are discovering too many couples struggling with a much more core issue in their marriage. It’s difficult to put practical tools to use when there are underlying trust or deep seated hurt issues involved. If you and your spouse are struggling, we recommend reading Love and War by John and Stacy Eldridge first. We have posted a lot of blogs on parenting. But one of our fundamental truths is this – if you are married, the most important thing you can do for your parenting is to work on your marriage! I realize if you are a single parent, reading a blog like this can be difficult. My prayer is that you are connected to a church that lives out the principle of being a father to the fatherless. We’ll try to blog on single parenting and blended families in the future. For now, may I encourage those of you that are married – John 10:10 says, “The thief only comes to steal and kill and destroy…” I believe the thing he is after most is our family – and that starts with our marriage. So don’t listen to the lies of the street and of our culture. Marriage is important.

Incidentally, according to the Pew survey, 39% of those polled said yes marriage is obsolete. And in 1978 – it was 28%. 4 out of 10 Americans believe that marriage has outlived its usefulness; when that number surpasses 50% does it become true? NO! Never confuse average with normal. The majority doesn’t change truth. If you are married, God is for your marriage. Don’t let a survey convince you of a lie. Statistically speaking, I can make a case for marriage without once bringing up God or God’s word. The effects of marriage on kid’s test scores, financial stability, and general health are undeniable. The truth is, God has a design for marriage and if your marriage is still intact (even if it is on life support), then throw everything into making it healthy. Do whatever it takes – read a book, go to counseling, attend a seminar. Your marriage is worth it. Do it for your kids. Do it for your spouse. Do it for yourself. Do it for God.