Another question from a reader:

So, we implemented the “Age Hierarchy” thing at a Family Meeting last night. My wife and I are having a little trouble with how we enforce it. Today, for instance, our 5-yr old and I picked up her 2 older brothers from school. She was playing the iPod in her choice seat as we arrived to pick them up. When our 9-yr old got in the car, he asked his sister if she would move, so that he could have his choice seat in the car. A few moments later, he says, “Mommy, can I have the iPod. Shouldn’t she give it to me, cuz, um, I’m like…the oldest?” He had already asked her for her seat, now he wanted her iPod. I’m having a hard time forcing her to continually give up things to him. We were very intentional to frame it to the older ones that they have an important responsibility to care for their younger siblings. And we have talked extensively about not “lording it over them” and about servant leadership. But what is our role as parents in enforcing the “Age Hierarchy” thing in instances like we faced this afternoon?

For those of you reading this that have never heard us speak of “age hierarchy” you might find the question, let alone the answer at best strange and at worst wrong. We’d ask you to consider holding off your conclusions until you’ve heard a little more about what we teach. Also, we have put out a CD called Sibling Affection – raising kids that love each other. I’m not trying to promote our CD, but I wanted you to know we had it in case you have multiple kids that struggle with their relationship with each other.

This is a great question and we commonly get some form of this question when parents are first trying to make changes in this area. A couple of immediate thoughts to start with – first as with the last blog we posted Family Meeting Gone Awry – a disciplined child will do better with this than an undisciplined child. In fact I would go so far as to say, don’t be afraid of backing off on this until you have a better handle on the discipline piece. Remember we are after the heart of the child – especially when it comes to discipline. Consistently teach that God (and you) expects them to obey with a happy heart. In the meantime I would continue to speak the philosophy of age hierarchy – the younger sibling honoring their older sibling and the older sibling caring and serving their younger sibling. But the bigger principle here is the Golden Rule – we want to treat everyone, especially our brothers and sisters the way we would want to be treated. Remind them that God has put our family together!

The second thing we would say, and this is important, focus on the relationship between the siblings – set them up for success. For instance we don’t allow head phones in the car or the house because it sends the message – don’t talk to me. While there is a place for individual electronics like an IPod or Gameboy, we believe they can be a hindrance to conversation and relationships. Upon arriving for the pick-up I would suggest having them put the IPod away and spur on interaction with each other. After some good greeting time – “Johnny tell us something good that happened today”, “Suzie, tell Johnny what we did today”, “How much homework do you boys have?” You get the picture. By the way – if it ever becomes an issue about song selection or movie selection – remember you’re the oldest and totally have the final say regarding choice.

The siblings enjoying some time together decorating the Christmas tree

One last thing; on your way to picking up the older son I would prep the younger child, “honey we are getting ready to pick up Johnny, remember when we get there we want to honor your big brother by jumping in the back seat.” Then once your older son gets in the car I would praise the younger one for doing the right thing (especially if they do it without your prompting). This will do a couple of things; one it reinforces with the younger child what you are asking and second the older child is reminded what their sibling just did. It gives the elder an opportunity to say thank-you (which you can gently remind them if necessary). It’s been our experience when we help the young ones to respect their older siblings (many younger siblings know all too well how to get under the skin of older brother/sister) the older ones rise to the challenge. In the question above the older brother clearly missed the heart of his position as the older brother. Obviously it requires a lot of training with both the older and the younger – but the payoff is worth it, especially as they get older.

Our culture would tell you that sibling rivalry is normal – we would suggest it might be average, but that doesn’t make it normal by God’s standards.