David & Kelli Pritchard's Blog

Age Hierarchy

David — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 15:59:44 GMT

Another question from a reader:

So, we implemented the “Age Hierarchy” thing at a Family Meeting last night. My wife and I are having a little trouble with how we enforce it. Today, for instance, our 5-yr old and I picked up her 2 older brothers from school. She was playing the iPod in her choice seat as we arrived to pick them up. When our 9-yr old got in the car, he asked his sister if she would move, so that he could have his choice seat in the car. A few moments later, he says, “Mommy, can I have the iPod. Shouldn’t she give it to me, cuz, um, I’m like…the oldest?” He had already asked her for her seat, now he wanted her iPod. I’m having a hard time forcing her to continually give up things to him. We were very intentional to frame it to the older ones that they have an important responsibility to care for their younger siblings. And we have talked extensively about not “lording it over them” and about servant leadership. But what is our role as parents in enforcing the “Age Hierarchy” thing in instances like we faced this afternoon?

For those of you reading this that have never heard us speak of “age hierarchy” you might find the question, let alone the answer at best strange and at worst wrong. We’d ask you to consider holding off your conclusions until you’ve heard a little more about what we teach. Also, we have put out a CD called Sibling Affection – raising kids that love each other. I’m not trying to promote our CD, but I wanted you to know we had it in case you have multiple kids that struggle with their relationship with each other.

This is a great question and we commonly get some form of this question when parents are first trying to make changes in this area. A couple of immediate thoughts to start with – first as with the last blog we posted Family Meeting Gone Awry – a disciplined child will do better with this than an undisciplined child. In fact I would go so far as to say, don’t be afraid of backing off on this until you have a better handle on the discipline piece. Remember we are after the heart of the child – especially when it comes to discipline. Consistently teach that God (and you) expects them to obey with a happy heart. In the meantime I would continue to speak the philosophy of age hierarchy – the younger sibling honoring their older sibling and the older sibling caring and serving their younger sibling. But the bigger principle here is the Golden Rule – we want to treat everyone, especially our brothers and sisters the way we would want to be treated. Remind them that God has put our family together!

The second thing we would say, and this is important, focus on the relationship between the siblings – set them up for success. For instance we don’t allow head phones in the car or the house because it sends the message – don’t talk to me. While there is a place for individual electronics like an IPod or Gameboy, we believe they can be a hindrance to conversation and relationships. Upon arriving for the pick-up I would suggest having them put the IPod away and spur on interaction with each other. After some good greeting time – “Johnny tell us something good that happened today”, “Suzie, tell Johnny what we did today”, “How much homework do you boys have?” You get the picture. By the way – if it ever becomes an issue about song selection or movie selection – remember you’re the oldest and totally have the final say regarding choice.

The siblings enjoying some time together decorating the Christmas tree

One last thing; on your way to picking up the older son I would prep the younger child, “honey we are getting ready to pick up Johnny, remember when we get there we want to honor your big brother by jumping in the back seat.” Then once your older son gets in the car I would praise the younger one for doing the right thing (especially if they do it without your prompting). This will do a couple of things; one it reinforces with the younger child what you are asking and second the older child is reminded what their sibling just did. It gives the elder an opportunity to say thank-you (which you can gently remind them if necessary). It’s been our experience when we help the young ones to respect their older siblings (many younger siblings know all too well how to get under the skin of older brother/sister) the older ones rise to the challenge. In the question above the older brother clearly missed the heart of his position as the older brother. Obviously it requires a lot of training with both the older and the younger – but the payoff is worth it, especially as they get older.

Our culture would tell you that sibling rivalry is normal – we would suggest it might be average, but that doesn’t make it normal by God’s standards.

The Family Meeting Gone Awry

David — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 16:21:51 GMT

A couple that recently attended one of our parenting seminars sent us this question: We’ve implemented Family Meetings. The first one went fantastic, but the second one not so much. Our 7-yr old and 9-yr old sons would not engage, were silly and distracted, and made the time insufferably difficult and long. We had scheduled a few fun things into our meeting—a game 1/3 of the way through and a fun snack 2/3 of the way through. But we didn’t feel like we could “reward” them with fun stuff like that when they refused to respect us and engage in the family meeting. So, 2 questions: 1) What could be done to get our boys of this age to engage in Family Meetings? 2) What are some ways that you make Family Meetings fun?

What a great question – and one we get often. As many of you know we are BIG proponents of Family Meetings. They are a great way to check in with each other, to build the family unit, to introduce change, to celebrate successes, or to address concerns. Regular Family Meetings help to create a sense of team within our family, a feeling of we’re in this together. I (David) like the regular pause to ensure that the Pritchards are all on the same page – that somehow we aren’t missing something big. Kelli often says Family Meetings served as a pressure valve – knowing a FM was coming allowed her to wait, confident her concerns would soon be addressed. So we applaud you for implementing them and we would encourage you to not give up. Anything worth doing is worth doing “poorly” at first. It will get better.

Before talking specifically about FM, let me first say when it comes to parenting – everything is easier with a disciplined child. When we teach the three most important things to teach your child, lesson number two is, “Train your child to obey you.”(Ephesians 6:1-3) It’s one of the few direct mandates in scripture about parenting – and it comes with a promise. If you want things to go well for your child, then expect them to obey and respect you. There are lots of lessons and character qualities to train into our children –but each lesson is easier to teach to a well-disciplined child. Proverbs 29:17 says this, “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.” Work hard on expecting your sons (and daughters) to obey you all the time and family meetings become more peaceful. By the way – going to church, going to the grocery store, visiting friends, school – everything becomes easier with a well-disciplined child, a “… delight to your soul.” So rather than fight them at a family meeting and destroying your own desire to have FM’s. Focus on training obedience and discipline. We do have a parenting CD available if you need a resource. Let the family meetings be more fun than anything else – keep them short and infrequent for now.

As far as the actual family meeting, our goal is for our kids to enjoy the family meeting – and at the very least not dread it. Rather than make food a reward for acting right at the FM, expect them to act right (well-disciplined) and just make food (or a game) a part of the meeting. For instance we would on occasion meet at McDonald’s and have ice cream cones – rather than take them to Macs as a reward for being good at our meeting. The reality is, it’s hard to make FM’s super exciting – after all you wind up talking about how we can do better getting the trash out or cleaning our rooms or listening to mom. This again, is why you must focus first on obedience and discipline. The fun really grows naturally out of healthy relationships. Our kids began telling funny stories from the past month or telling about humorous things mom and dad had recently done. It’s hard if you always feel the pressure to make every FM perfect; to always have a fun, creative, and unique program for the kids to be entertained. Relax and enjoy the time with your kids… which by the way is easier to do with a well-disciplined child.

What a Summer!

David — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 20:50:35 GMT

While the northwest didn’t experience the greatest summer as far as weather goes – God certainly had some incredible plans for us during that time. What a privilege it was to minister to couples and families at five different locations, covering thousands of miles and two different countries! We trust that God used us in small and big ways with these families – we KNOW that God used those families in our life. We learned a lot… we grew a lot… both individually and together as a family. To those of you that prayed for us – thank you, thank you, thank you! And for those of you that financially support us – we couldn’t do what we do without you so thanks! In all we gave 42 talks over a one month period and then turned around and headed to Malibu (Young Life’s camp in Canada) two weeks later to speak again at a Marriage Conference! And that doesn’t count the many sweet one on one visits we had with couples this summer. It was busy, exhausting at times, but so life giving for both of us. Over the next several weeks we are going to share some of our experiences with you – lessons we’ve learned as well as nuggets we’ve passed on to others that might help you. Thanks for joining us as we share our summer with you!

Sharing about the awesomeness of God

~easy to do from the top of Cottonwood Pass - elevation 12,600 feet

Our first stop this summer was Young Life’s Trail West. For those that don’t know, Trail West is a camp owned by Young Life in the rugged Rocky Mountains – elevation 9,000 feet! Since we live at sea level in our normal life, we spent most of our time frantically searching for oxygen, especially after climbing stairs or taking a hike! One of those hikes by the way was to Cotton Wood Pass – elevation 12,600 feet – talk about oxygen deprived!!! We spent three weeks at Trail West hosting over 100 families during that time. What a special treat week three as we welcomed 36 military families from nearby Fort Carson Colorado. Wow! What a privilege to share Jesus and His design for marriage and family with folks that serve us and our country – sometimes making the ultimate sacrifice in the process. The Lord allowed us to step into some really hard situations and while we aren’t naive enough to think our words of wisdom solved all their problems – we were glad to play a role in the process of their journey to family health.

Right in the middle of our time in Colorado, we were given a fun opportunity to fly back to Nashville Tennessee and speak at the National MOPS convention. (David) To say that I was outnumbered at a Mother’s of Preschoolers Convention would be a gross understatement. Right before going up to speak I needed to make a quick (I emphasize quick because we were on in a few minutes) trip to the MEN’s room. Hustling, I dashed into the men’s restroom only to find two women in their tending to their children. Shocked, a little embarrassed (because I thought maybe in my hurry I entered the wrong room), and at a loss for words all I could do was stand there and stammer. Thankfully one of the ladies said, “No, no, no. You are in the right place.” That experience is going on my list of… You haven’t been to MOPS until… list. Our trip to Nashville was very quick – less than a 48 hour turn around. One bonus for us – we were able to see our new grandson, recently moved to Nashville with our daughter Alyse and her husband Jason. It was a wild and quick trip – but it was well worth the effort. And we still haven’t told you about our appearance on the Focus on the Family TV show as well as two weekend family camps for staff and friends at two different Young Life properties. But I think we will save that for another posting (which I promise will be soon).

One thing I was reminded of this summer – Keeping your family healthy isn’t a passive undertaking. It requires investment (monetary, time, energy) and it requires an ongoing commitment. Do not grow weary in doing good! It is a sacrifice but I will tell you what every couple will tell you as they reach their 30^th, 40^th, and 50^th wedding anniversary – IT’S WORTH IT! I’m convinced the family is where the enemy has chosen to wage war with God’s people and it starts with our marriages. If you are still married – then fight! Not with each other but with an enemy that comes to kill, steal and destroy. If you need help – get help. There is no shame in going to a counselor or talking with a pastor or an elder. You family is worth it! And if you’ve already gone through a divorce, then know our God is a God of redemption and a another chance. But if you have kids, don’t ignore the reality of divorce. Your child will have pain in their lives because of a decision they had nothing to do with. Pretending that isn’t so, doesn’t give your child the best chance of being healthy and one day starting a healthy family of his own. There is a reason God says, “I hate divorce”. It’s because HE LOVES US so much and He knows what is best for His creation. It isn’t to produce guilt or condemnation for those that have been through a divorce. No it’s a statement of instruction for those of us that are still in a marriage. We sat with some couples this summer on the brink of divorce and our word to them is the same word we have for you now reading this – FIGHT! Your marriage and your family is worth it!

Focus on the Family

David — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 18:00:52 GMT

Sorry to have our first post in 87 days be an announcement - but we did want to put the word out to our friends (I'm assuming if you are reading this you are our friend!). This Wednesday, August 17th, we will be appearing on the Focus on the Family TV show. It is primarily an online webcast, but I believe it also airs on a couple of Christian stations. It airs at 2PM EST this Wednesday. Here is the link if you are interested in finding out more about it. Thanks for reading and for being our friends. We are just completing a month speaking to over 200 families at family camp in Colorado. I promise to write about some of our experiences as well as some of the lessons we have learned along the way. We continue to pray God's riches blessings on you and your family.

http://www.focusonlinecommunities.com/community/webcasts/2011/0817

Hope to hear from all of you soon.

Blessings,
David & Kelli

Rite of Passage (for our daugthers)

Kelli — Fri, 20 May 2011 20:36:03 GMT

Many of you know, but Kelli is with her mom in Florida as she deals with some medical issues. It delayed her getting this first installment for the daughter's rite of passage. We would covet your prayers for Kelli and her mom during this time! She will post another installment to cover the other two rites of passage for the girls.

We have talked much about rite of passage and the meaning it carries for our children. Today I want to share with you what has evolved for our girls as we raised our children. With our daughters, there was a natural marker for their first rite of passage – when they began their period. After having four sisters experience this, our 5th daughter knew what was coming. Even so, her first rite began with standing alone, good information, a positive outlook and a celebration. Let me explain…

In our school district, 5th grade is the year the school chooses to do the unit on puberty. Our family opts out of this for a number of reasons. First, it marks the first time we ask them to stand alone at school in a pretty public way. We do not know of many parents who pull their children from this mostly general, yet pretty sensitive discussion about their bodies and what is happening to them. We respectfully ask that they not participate by going to the library or if the unit is taught at the end of the day, we simply pick them up early. When we began, the school required that we preview the material which we were happy to do (by now of course we feel we could teach it!).

Second, we let them know we are really excited to be the ones to teach them both the clinical part of what is happening as well as the spiritual framework this info fits into. We tell them this is only the beginning of a journey to learn and understand all God intended in our physical bodies. We want them to relax and know that culture has perverted much of what God created to be good and healthy. We invite them to take a look from a much different perspective.

We ask them to read “Preparing for Adolescence” by James Dobson (which David has the boys read as well) so they will get the same and more of the information being taught in school. It is one of many books/curriculum available. It covers most of what we want to discuss ranging from what’s happening to their bodies to how babies are made. It is pretty detailed and deals with some material that is sensitive such as masturbation and wet dreams. After she reads a chapter, she and I spend some time talking about it. This usually happens once a week until we are finished with the book. I know other moms who go away for the weekend. I try really hard to make it as comfortable and honoring as possible. I let her know she can ask me anything from now on and I will answer her with truth and discretion. Each of my girls have been different in terms of how ready they were to talk during this teaching time. I tried to be sensitive and help them get all their questions answered.

Third, I want to influence her worldview about what it means to be female. I am not happy with the subtle message the streets are sending about men and how unworthy they are. Equally as concerning is the view of what a pain, hassle, chore, mistake, curse etc. it is that we, women, have to menstruate. I work hard to change this time in a girl’s life to a celebration of what it really means to be a woman. To celebrate that God may choose her to carry another life. I introduce this by talking about what an incredible system He has designed and what a miracle it is to partner with God to have a baby. Mostly, I want to introduce a Biblical worldview here that we will be talking more about as she grows up.

Fourth, we talk about getting our daughter a mentor. The book, “Raising a Modern Day Princess” by Farrelo and Hanna does a good job talking about mentors and a formal celebration for blessing our daughter. It is the partner book to “Raising a Modern Day Knight”. It is excellent and another great template for those new to this idea of rites of passage.

David with his girls (they've all been through their first rite of passage!)

And finally, in addition to this teaching, our daughter gets to celebrate with a small group of women such as sisters (once they’ve completed this rite), aunties, close friends, who are nearby for her initiation. We tell period stories… embarrassing/ funny moments, the first time, telling the family, what the brothers will think etc…We end the celebration with the gift of new panties. Sorry men, I know this may be too much information but it is an important part of the celebration!! There have been tears of embarrassment, lots of laughter and of course lots of coffee. But by the end of this first rite, my daughter really believes, “I am now a women” …part of something wonderful, miraculous and valuable. And that’s just how we want her to feel!! Thank you for reading!!

To the Moms

David — Mon, 09 May 2011 21:48:00 GMT

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I had the privilege of delivering the Mother's Day message at my church - what a privilege and honor. It also prevented me from writing something here to honor all of you mom's out there. First, even though it's a day late, let me say Happy Mother's Day! Thank you for answering the call to motherhood, regardless of how you got here. Preparing to preach certainly gave me ample time to reflect on my own mother and mother-in-law and to be reminded of how grateful I am for these two women and the influence they have had on my life. My mom when to be with Lord eleven years ago, so my mother-in-law has been my mother for the past dozen years or so.

My message was titled, "The Heart of a Mother" and in it I made three made points (because of course all good sermons have 3 main points ). The first was you are uniquely wired by God with 'The Heart of a Mother'. What a gift mom's are to the rest of the world. When I think of my own kids and the level of nurturing and attention to detail that Kelli brings to our parenting it's absolutely amazing to me. I know all women are different, but by and large it is undeniable that when God's word says that He made them male and female - He also gifted moms to be moms.

The second point was 'The Heart of a Mother' brings joy -to those they mother as well as to the mother herself. Mother's day is a happy day for most people. Unfortunately for some it can be a sad day - because of a recent loss, because of a challenging journey as a mother or a child, or because of the inability to have a child. The joy is real for mothers which of course makes the pain real for those that haven't yet been able to be a mom. However, it doesn't change the reality - 'The Heart of a Mother' brings joy.

The third point was 'The Heart of a Mother' is to be esteemed. At the risk of being misunderstood, I feel strongly that those of us my age and above have done a crummy job championing the covenant of marriage. Unfortunately the fallout is that today, more and more young people are growing up not believing in marriage and family. I think one of the most glaring areas of failure in this has been that of esteeming wives and mothers. I know every family's situation is different - but regardless of our individual family choice we must be united as a Christian culture in honoring and esteeming the role of wives and mothers. It saddens me when I hear stay at home moms feeling like they have to apologize for not doing something "important" with their lives. The message I want our kids to hear is this... someday there will be a woman sitting in the oval office (I know one could only hope!). When that day comes, if she is a mom - her role as mom is the one she is uniquely wired for, that brings her joy and that brings her honor and esteem.

Taking a walk with my favorite mom on Mother's Day!

Finally, can I just say we love you moms - it's no secret that Hallmark sells almost twice as many cards on Mother's day as it does on Father's day. While that statistic is sad, it's not surprising. You moms out there are amazing and we are so grateful for each one of you. Please be encouraged in this season you are in. I'll end with the counsel that I heard Kelli give a young mother several years ago when she called in tears. This young mother had read all the books but her baby wasn't doing what the books said he should be doing. Much of this applies to all of you...

“put away all the books, get to know your child, you know way more than you think you do, you can do this, relax, enjoy him, rock him, hold him, bond with that sweet baby God has given you. We will work on (you can fill in the blank) later.”

Father-God - thank you for these dear sweet moms out there. I pray your blessing on each one of them. May they know how uniquely wired they are to be a mom, may they experience the joy of mothering, and my they feel just how esteemed they are by you and so many of us in their role of mother. In the name of Jesus - AMEN

Rites of Passage (Part 2)

David — Wed, 04 May 2011 19:14:00 GMT

Last week I shared a story about Tavita’s first Rite of Passage. It was an event we created to mark his transition from boyhood to manhood. He was 13 at the time and much training took place after that ceremony, but he was forever different on that day 10 years ago. One of the great resources available on this topic is “Raising a Modern Day Knight” by Robert Lewis. It helped us with ideas and structure for what we did. We typically do a Rite of Passage for all the kids around 13 years old to mark their entrance into manhood or womanhood (next week Kelli will talk more about what we’ve done with our girls). Then we do another R of P when they graduate from high school. With our boys, we believe in providing a marker once they finish college and transition into the work world and then finally for all our kids we consider marriage the final event to commemorate with a Rite of Passage. Please remember, what you do isn’t nearly as important as doing something.

In fact, the question shouldn’t be what is a Rite of Passage or what should I do in a Rite of Passage, the real question is why do it? What’s the big deal? And is it biblical? The truth is, there is no eleventh commandment to create a rite of passage for your kids, there isn’t a direct mandate in scripture to create a marker for your son or your daughter. But I think I think in principle the bible certainly gives us good reason to do something like a Rite of Passage. For instance, when someone gets married there is a wedding ceremony to mark the occasion –why not simply fill out the paperwork and start living life. There is something significant about drawing a line in the sand and declaring from this day forward everything in my life is different. The same thing happens when someone dies – we fill the event with ceremony and for the Christian it isn’t to mark the end – it is to mark a transition, “from this day forward my life is different”. In the case of the wedding, we declare to the whole world the change. Typically we go through pre-marital counseling and commit time and resources all to proclaim to our friends and family my life has gone through a transition. It’s also compelling that parents are instructed to train a child in the way he should go… when is the training complete and who declares the training finished? A Rite of Passage gives us an opportunity to pronounce to our child and to the world – “You have completed this phase of your training!” (and you’re ready for the next)

Perhaps as big a reason as any is based on what we are trying to avoid. Think about it – if we don’t tell our sons and daughters what it means to be a man or a woman – then who does? Do you really want the neighbor boy teaching your son about the qualifications for manhood? What do you suppose he will uphold as the criteria for becoming a man. Do you want the “Twilight” series to teach your daughter about the virtues of being a woman? If we leave a void – the world is all too happy to step in and tell our sons and daughter what it takes to be a man or a woman? Is it the first time they get drunk? Is it the first time they sleep with someone? One big reason to establish Rites of Passages for you children is to ensure they know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what mom and dad (and God) believe it means to be a real man, to be a real woman; and then to bless them by declaring “you are now a man” or “you are now a woman.”

Once they complete high school we mark the next important milestone for many of our kids – a season where they will spend more time away from home than they will at home. Our goal with our boys at this doorway is to remind them of “who they are” and “whose they are”. With Tavita, I sent him on a little scavenger hunt with a few key men in his life. Each man represented an important part of his history he would take with him on the next leg of his journey into manhood. I’ve always said if our kids one day end up “feeding the pigs” (Luke 15: 11-32) I didn’t want it to be by accident. I want them to say, “I know what mom and dad believe and why, but I’m choosing to go a different way.” This rite of passage helped serve as a reminder of those things. We also gathered a room full of men that spoke truth to my son – giving him Godly advice as he stepped into the next leg of his journey.

Upon graduation from college, the important message to our sons is this, “from this day forward you begin to create your own family legacy. As you work (or play), as you study (or play), as you grow (or play) you are building what you will one day use to establish your family foundation. You will forever be my son, but you are no longer part of building my home – you are now building your own home (whether they are married yet or not).” I want to emphasize with them, I’ve done some things right and I’ve certainly done some things wrong. While I need to apologize for my mistakes, it doesn’t change the reality – he now must now create his own legacy. When they are boys, they can blame mom and dad for how bad they did in school or why they didn’t get into a better college. But from this point forward, blame is irrelevant, they must take who they are and begin building a life with that. We also get to remind them – God is on your side and we are on your side. Jeremiah 29:11, ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” We will pray for their future and the plans God has for them. We will always love them – they will always be a part of our family – but it changes forever at this point.

And then of course if one day he chooses to marry – I will once again gather men around him to remind him of all the heritage and history that he is joining to another. This is one last chance to be Tavita Pritchard or Tana Pritchard or Keila Pritchard – for on their wedding day, according to God’s word, they will unite with their spouse and become something totally new – what the bible describes as “one flesh”. Next week we’ll tell a little about what we did with Alyse when she got married and why.

Rites of Passage (Part 1)

David — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 04:42:00 GMT

We were at Malibu serving for four weeks as Camp Manager. Our oldest son, Tavita, was 13 years old. It was day 5, which at Malibu meant ropes day – the entire camp of 300 campers would go through the ropes course in one day. It is a long day for our assignment team (the group of adults assigned to Malibu for the month) and for the property staff. But it is also a rewarding day as we help many kids overcome fears and insecurities and get front row seats as they beam with satisfaction over doing something they didn’t think they could do. As camp manager, I always hate putting additional burden on our team, but especially on that day. So, you can imagine, it had to be something pretty important for me to ask them to stick around at the end of the day to help me with a special event for my son Tavita. I had already asked them for help and each one happily agreed to participate. I prepared them for their part in the coming ceremony. They would each man a station on the course and as Tavita would arrive, they were to read a portion of scripture and describe a character quality that he would need as he moved from being a boy to becoming a man. Then he would use that particular element of the ropes course as an object lesson for the character quality. The final step would be to pray for Tavita and send him on to the next person and station.

There were 9 character qualities in all, chosen by his mother and me – Confidence, Accountability, Wisdom/Discernment, Self-Control, Purity, Honor, Faithfulness, Courage, and Integrity. So for instance at the beginning when Tavita put on his harness, the character quality was Confidence, the verse was Proverbs 3:26, “For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught.” The object lesson was clear – on the ropes course your confidence would be in the harness to keep you safe and secure. In life, your confidence must be in Christ. Each element of the course was like this and each person spoke truth into my son and prayed for him. The final station would be me – where I declared that today you are a man, a young man, but a man. I told him from this day forward he would be different and we would treat him different. We were still his parents and he was still in need of parenting, but he was now a young man.

Later that day he ran into a staff person who wasn’t there for the event. That person asked Tavita, “So what did you do today?” To which Tavita answered, “I became a man!”

Rite of Passage – here is how dictionary.com defines it: rite of passage

noun

1. a ceremony performed to facilitate or mark a person's change of status upon any of several highly important occasions, as at the onset of puberty or upon entry into marriage or into a clan.

2. any important act or event that serves to mark a passage from one stage of life to another.

Tavita’s Rite of Passage into manhood certainly didn’t end his training and it hasn’t been all perfect ever since. But it definitely marked a significant passage for him from one stage of life to another and served an important purpose in his journey in life. Next week, I’ll talk more about why rites of passage and more on the philosophical principles behind the ceremony.

My son is learning lies at school

David — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 21:02:00 GMT

We recently received this question from one of our readers:

My question is about the curriculum in History for my son who is in 6th grade. Of course this is all new for us. That is why I am thankful you are willing to try and answer our question. My son will be studying the subject of "hominids" ape men. Of course at school, it will be taught that we evolve from apes. My son is very bothered by just listening to this and not speaking up for the Truth of God's Word. How would you tastefully and respectfully address this with his Social Studies teacher? Or would you say anything? I told him tonight that if he wanted to share our family beliefs with his teacher privately, not in front of the class, that would be appropriate. Would you agree? Anything that you can tell us to help in this would be so appreciated.

What a great question and we have so much respect for you and your family for praying and thinking about a proper response to what your son is facing. In many ways we believe the process you are going through is more important than where you actually land. Your son is watching and listening to you and your husband and is being taught and discipled (Deuteronomy 6:7). For instance, if you said to your son, “Your teacher is stupid and you need to go back and stand up for truth,” You’d have taught your son that you believe in the absolute truth of scripture – but you would have also taught him his authority figure is stupid (which may be true, but in this case he’s just ignorant) and therefore can’t be followed. You would have also taught him that voicing what he believes is more important than the people God has put in his life. Conversely, what you are doing teaches your son that God’s word is unerring. But you’ve also taught him that Romans 12 is true – his teacher in this case is misinformed, but should still be respected as his authority. And you have taught him a lesson on the sovereignty of God. How? By making sure your son knows the truth about creation while recognizing his teacher has been divinely placed in his life. He learns that your family has an opportunity to impact this man’s life in ways so much bigger than the study of “hominids”.

God loves your son’s teacher. That teacher is not the enemy. The enemy may be trying to use him, but there is only one enemy. At the end of the day, I don’t care as much about what that teacher believes as I care what your son believes. Make it perfectly clear to your child what you believe. Maybe tell him something like this, “Honey, you know what our family believes. We are fearfully and wonderfully made by God’s hands in His image. Did you know when you were growing in mommy’s tummy, that your eye began to form? And from your eye the optic nerve started to grow towards your brain. At the same time the optic nerve began growing from the brain toward your eye. Somewhere in the middle over a million nerve endings miraculously lined up so that you could see. Does that sound like something that could just “happen”? No, that is the hand of a creator.” Then, confident in what he believes, your son can go back and handle the “wrong” teaching. If the right opportunity comes up then maybe he might share his opinion with the teacher. Too often we get concerned with changing the teacher’s mind. Have you ever stopped and wondered, why? Does changing the teacher’s position on creation have any effect on the truth? Unless of course, we aren’t sure what we think about creation. Hmmmm? I would rather help that teacher meet Jesus and let the creator teach him about creation. Who knows, maybe the way your son handles himself brings the teacher to a place of saying, “something good is happening in that family – I wonder what it is?”

The second best present ever!

David — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 17:40:00 GMT

We all know the best present of all is Jesus! But this Christmas we received the second best present we could ever receive; news our oldest daughter Alyse and her husband Jason were going to have a baby! To say we are excited about becoming grandparents is a little like saying technology has changed some since I was a kid. Let me describe the scene on Christmas morning. We had just opened presents as a family; all were present except Tavita (more on that in a future blog), though he was Skyped in (that technology thing). Sina had just finished opening the last present when Jason stood up and said he had one more gift for Alyse. At this Alyse appeared to cop a little attitude with her husband, claiming they had an agreement about not buying each other gifts this year. Kelli considered scolding her first born but decided to wait it out (good thing!). At this Jason handed his wife a small package and said he also prepared a song for her. He plugged in the boom box (do you still call it that?) ready with the music cued up. The song will forever be special to our family; it was Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars. We all recognized the song and it was cute to hear him tell my daughter she’s amazing just the way she was! She opened her present, a sweet little necklace with a key pendant. It all seemed very nice.

When he got to the second verse however things changed. Kelli and I didn’t know the song well enough to realize the words were different. The kids however picked up immediately that Jason was taking liberty with the lyrics. He sang:

Our prayers, Our prayers, were heard by God so loud and clear
it's here, it's here, such an exciting year
and it's so wonderful, what I'm about to say
we know, we know, we know what you really want
it's hard for us to keep this from you, so we'll be up front
so if you ask us....
You know we'll saaaay

We just can't wait
because we know you're on the way
we're having a baby
yes, we really are

and when we smile
it's because we're having a child
we're having a baby
yes, we really are

Simultaneously Alyse handed us a framed picture of our first grandbaby (as the kids say – we had been “played”). Thankfully what happened next was caught on video tape for all time. Kelli began screaming, Sina started crying (men don’t cry so of course I didn’t J… no really I didn’t… ok maybe a little) and it was chaos. For those of you that have already experienced the thrill of the first grandbaby you understand what I am writing. I mentioned that Kelli began screaming – I’m not sure she ever stopped; eventually she just lost her voice!

Since then we’ve had time to reflect on that day and of course enjoy the journey Alyse is on. She is due June 21^st – Kelli and I have pregnancy apps on our phones tracking every step of the way. We’ve also been revisiting the vital role grandparents can play in children’s lives. We are thrilled to be entrusted with the opportunity to fill that role. For those of you reading this whose kids still have their grandparents alive – may I encourage you to not miss the opportunity. Often grandparents have the one commodity that today’s parents are sorely lacking – TIME! There are many reasons to be diligent in the parenting and disciplining of our children; perhaps none are bigger than for the sake of the relationship with the grandparents. You see, if we parent our kids well, then the grandparents can give them time – and what a gift. Too often we find grandparents picking up the slack for parents unwilling (or in some cases unable) to do the hard work of Deuteronomy 6:7. Let’s diligently train our kids (Alyse are you reading this !) so our parents can bless our kids and us.

The first picture of our grand baby! I think he looks like Alyse's side of the family.

Good or bad, Kelli and I had our shot with Alyse. It’s now Jason and her turn to parent their coming child. We get the God given privilege of supporting, encouraging, cheering, and maybe at times offering life experience and wisdom to our kids. And as Jason and Alyse train up their child in the way he should go, hopefully they’ll bless us with the opportunity to bless our grandchild with the one thing we have to offer – time.

Show Me The Money

David — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 06:48:00 GMT

Today I find myself watching TV only mildly interested in the NFL playoff games. I say that because there aren’t any teams left I am particularly interested in. Athletics for me continues to be fun to watch and rewarding to coach, but what I care about most are the lessons to be learned. If you are a parent trying to live out Deuteronomy 6:7, whether your child is involved in band, or acting, or football, your job is to look for opportunities to teach them biblical truth and character development. It requires us to be creative and diligent as we look for those teachable moments.

If you follow college football you might know that Andrew Luck, the starting quarterback at Stanford University, was everyone’s pick to be the first player chosen in this year’s NFL draft. Even though Andrew is only a Junior in school and a Sophomore in eligibility, after being the runner up for the Heisman Trophy (given to the top college football player) most experts expect him to be taken #1 in April’s draft. For those “normal” folks out there that don’t know every fact and figure coming out of the NFL let me put this in perspective. Here are the last two #1 picks (both quarterbacks) and how much money they signed for:

2010 Sam Bradford – 5 year $86 million - $50 million guaranteed
2009 Matthew Stafford - 6 year $72 million – $41 Million guaranteed

So Andrew Luck can expect to sign his name and instantly be guaranteed more than $50 million – except for one problem. Completely against conventional wisdom, Andrew has decided to delay his pursuit of NFL riches and return to play for Stanford and complete his degree. Most people are shocked and disturbed by his decision. Here are a few examples of actual comments –

I thought you had to be a smart guy to get into Stanford. He is projected to go #1 in the draft and make $50-60M. By staying, he couldn't possibly improve his draft status… even if he fails in the NFL, then take a fraction of the $30M and return to Stanford and get your degree. Sorry, but not a very smart decision by a guy who is suppose to be smart.

Or how about this comment –

Precisely. Jamarcus Russell is sitting on 32 million dollars. For three years of part time work. Andrew Luck is beyond stupid for passing up on this once in a lifetime chance. The chances of an injury/poor performance/other variables are astronomical.

So is Luck “stupid” for coming back to Stanford? I certainly don’t pretend to have the final word of wisdom on this decision, but what a great conversation to have with your kids (especially if your family has an interest in sports). Enter the draft and you become an instant multi-millionaire. Is it worth the risk of returning in order to earn a degree you will likely never use? Why come back – for the degree or is there more to consider? As some of you know, Luck is the quarterback that unseated our son as the starter in Tavita’s senior season. So we have come to know and respect Andrew as an athlete but more importantly as a person. He is a wise young man and he has involved parents. Incidentally his father is a former NFL quarterback. I haven’t talked to Andrew, so I don’t know exactly why he chose to come back – but I’m excited he did. Not because we are Stanford fans, but because it sends a great message to a watching world – there is more to life than money!!! If you watch athletics today – it is all about money. Owners, players, schools, teams, all make decisions based solely on money. One day a coach will sign a multi-year CONTRACT only to break the contract the next day for a better deal. Character, commitment, loyalty, and love of the game are concepts that have become lost amongst piles of money.

Tavita coaching this past year next to Andrew Luck

also pictured new head coach David Shaw and former head coach Jim Harbaugh

Andrew loves his college experience. He loves his teammates, his coaches and his school. This past year he led Stanford to a #4 finish in all of college football to go along with almost winning the Heisman. On the one hand there isn’t a lot of room for improvement. On the other hand if he returns to school he gets another year doing what he loves with his friends (pro football is nothing but business). If he returns he also has the opportunity to finish his degree, completing what he set out to do three years ago. Of course, football is a physical sport and he runs the risk of suffering a career ending injury. I’m sure he will have an insurance policy to protect his financial future against injury, but should the worse happen he certainly won’t make the kind of money he would make if he entered the NFL right now. Of course he could come back and lead Stanford to a great season, win the Heisman and earn even more money. But the one thing I’m sure of – after weighing his options and consulting with his parents Andrew didn’t make this decision based solely on money. And to me that is a breath of fresh air. And a decision worth talking about with your kids.

Happy 2011!

Kelli — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 02:17:00 GMT

We love the month of January! A new beginning, another chance, a fresh start! The mercy of the Lord permeates the month of January!! We are so grateful for a God that gives us hope and strength to see His vision for our family and personally for all that He has for us!! We pray you sense His mercy too as you begin 2011!

It is our family’s tradition to have a New Year’s Eve party. It is usually just our family with maybe a few friends. We have party food, hats, poppers, and lots of sparkling apple cider. We watch the New Year count down and fireworks on TV either from Time Square in New York or the space needle in Seattle. We yell, scream and kiss each other Happy New Year at the stroke of midnight!! It is a fun tradition that has continued through the lives of all our children.

Even our dog Colt is too cool to be caught in this group!

We also ask everyone to fill out a goal sheet before the clock strikes 12, which we have attached. The format has changed over the years based on things we have read and input from our kids. When the children were little, our goal sheet was much simpler and we often helped them think through what they wanted to accomplish. This has evolved into an intentional effort for all of us to consider life and how God might use us to further His kingdom.

We ask that everyone spend a few minutes reflecting on the former year and all that God has done for them personally and for our family. Then everyone is to write their goals down to be read often during 2011. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.” Pastor Dee Dukes says, “Goal setting is working at discovering what God’s will is for our life.” This is a habit that allows us to better sense what God’s will is for us – we want to train our kids to get into the habit of writing goals.

Also on their Goal Setting Sheet is a section for “favorite things”. This section helps for things like birthdays – we know their favorite cake or their favorite dinner so we can prepare it. If someone is having a bad day or a really good day – we know their favorite candy bar or pack of gum so that we know how best to surprise them. We make copies of each person’s sheet and send them out to everyone. We know how to bless each one uniquely based on their requests.

I know it’s almost February, but if you haven’t already made goals and encouraged your kids to do the same – it’s not too late! Make it a point to teach your kids to pray and ask God what He wants in this coming year. Then write down what they think God would like them to accomplish in 2011. If they are young it might be simple things like obeying mommy and daddy – it they are a little older maybe making my bed every morning. Remember to start with some spiritual goals like bible reading and prayer. Remember God has plans for you and your kids… wouldn’t it be fun to discover what those plans are? Think about how much easier it would be to “train up your child” this year if you had a better idea of how God is leading them. And what a great habit you're teaching your kids as they seek out God’s “plans for a future and a hope.”

Is Marriage Obsolete?

David — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 18:31:00 GMT

Is Marriage Becoming Obsolete? This was one of the many questions asked in a recent survey done by Pew Research Center, in association with Time Magazine. The results were published in the November 29, 2010 issue of Time Magazine. I’m not sure how revealing the findings were, but it certainly confirms what many have observed anecdotally: the state of our unions in America is shifting. The November 29^th cover story “Who Needs Marriage?” unveils a question people are asking, whether we like it or not. When Kelli and I get the opportunity to speak to teenagers about relationships and marriage, we almost always start by apologizing for how poorly our generation (and the generation before us) has modeled and taught the covenant of marriage. We certainly aren’t surprised at the question Time is asking – we’re even less shocked by the answers. When it comes to marriage, many young people today are wondering what’s the point – who needs it? I don’t care what the survey says – the answer is we all need marriage! God was not confused and just because the institution of marriage is struggling right now doesn’t change the truth; God intended for a man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. We tell couples marriage is the hardest thing we’ve ever worked at, but it is SO worth it.

A couple of days before we were married - the beginning of God using us to grow each other, a journey that continues today!

According to the Time magazine article, in 1960 two-thirds of the 20-somethings were married; in 2008 only 26% were. This is just one of many statistics that underscores an alarming reality. Many young adults, who once assumed they’d turn 20, get married and start a family, instead are asking, “Who needs marriage?” I believe part of the problem is we are asking the right question, but looking the wrong direction for the answer. As most people enter into a marital union they are asking the question what’s in it for me. Unfortunately what they mean by that question is, how is this other human being going to bless me and make me happy? In his book Sacred Romance, Gary Thomas reminds us that marriage isn’t just about making us happy; it is about making us more holy. My parents obviously had a huge impact on who I am today. But without question, the single greatest tool God has used to shape me and mold me (sometimes very painfully) into the man I am today is Kelli. No one knows me like she does. I can’t fool her. I have no armor against her. If you have been married for any length of time you can relate; no human being can push my buttons as fast or effectively as Kelli. That is why she is the perfect person, if I will allow it, to help me become more holy.

Of course it requires serious work. There are tremendous resources we recommend when it comes to “working” on your marriage. Teaching like Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich can be a powerful tool for your relationship. Unfortunately, we are discovering too many couples struggling with a much more core issue in their marriage. It’s difficult to put practical tools to use when there are underlying trust or deep seated hurt issues involved. If you and your spouse are struggling, we recommend reading Love and War by John and Stacy Eldridge first. We have posted a lot of blogs on parenting. But one of our fundamental truths is this – if you are married, the most important thing you can do for your parenting is to work on your marriage! I realize if you are a single parent, reading a blog like this can be difficult. My prayer is that you are connected to a church that lives out the principle of being a father to the fatherless. We’ll try to blog on single parenting and blended families in the future. For now, may I encourage those of you that are married – John 10:10 says, “The thief only comes to steal and kill and destroy…” I believe the thing he is after most is our family – and that starts with our marriage. So don’t listen to the lies of the street and of our culture. Marriage is important.

Incidentally, according to the Pew survey, 39% of those polled said yes marriage is obsolete. And in 1978 – it was 28%. 4 out of 10 Americans believe that marriage has outlived its usefulness; when that number surpasses 50% does it become true? NO! Never confuse average with normal. The majority doesn’t change truth. If you are married, God is for your marriage. Don’t let a survey convince you of a lie. Statistically speaking, I can make a case for marriage without once bringing up God or God’s word. The effects of marriage on kid’s test scores, financial stability, and general health are undeniable. The truth is, God has a design for marriage and if your marriage is still intact (even if it is on life support), then throw everything into making it healthy. Do whatever it takes – read a book, go to counseling, attend a seminar. Your marriage is worth it. Do it for your kids. Do it for your spouse. Do it for yourself. Do it for God.

The Best Present of All!

David — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 22:59:00 GMT

There are 363 shopping days until Christmas! The annual celebration has come and gone – most homes will remain in holiday mode until at least January first. In our home, the decorations and tree stay up until after the first. But the reality of Christmas 2010 begins to fade and hopefully we have a few months before the barrage of advertisements start for Christmas 2011! As you reflect on 2010 – what was your best present? For dads everywhere, Christmas used to mean staying up the night before assembling bicycles and wagons. Today, it’s an electronic game we couldn’t understand even if we tried. I’m not sure I like that trade off, but what are you going to do? This year what was your favorite present? I’ll save my favorite present for a future blog – but I will say it was fun to sit around the Christmas tree watching my kids open their gifts. What a joy to see their faces light up, first in anticipation and then in discovery as wrapping paper and boxes gave way to new shoes and new video games. Sometimes gifts end up blessing more than just the recipient. My sister Becca got a new “toy” for Christmas. She can now turn negative (anyone remember those) or slides (OK now I’m really dating myself) into perfect digital images. We’ve been discovering pictures that we have long since forgotten about and in some cases didn’t even know existed! What fun.

One of those fun pictures Becca's "toy" has resurrected from yesteryear ~ this is Kelli's dad George being taught the Tahitian at our wedding reception. Poor guy; he had no idea what his daughter had gotten him into this time!

Hopefully, this Christmas season, you have experienced the best present of all – not just for 2010, but for all time! Of course I mean Jesus. I hope you had great opportunity this past weekend to enjoy Jesus – in prayer, in your reading or in living your normal life. If Christmas has come and gone, and you don’t know what I’m talking about I hope you will find someone who will share the true meaning of Christmas.

If you’ve grown up in the USA you’ve probably heard the story about Jesus’ birth, you’ve seen images, maybe attended a church musical. But when baby Jesus was born 2000 years ago he was on a mission. The plan from the beginning was to be our savior, not just a figure in a nativity scene. If you are a parent it’s hard to keep your kids focused on the true meaning of Christmas. We’ve offered in some of our blogs suggestions for doing that – like creating family traditions. Unless you have an unlimited budget, you can’t compete with the marketing out there. Eventually “your” Christmas presentation will lose out to Wal-Marts or CBS or Coca-Cola or MTV. Glitz and glitter won’t keep our kids attention like traditions. As your kids age rituals that would normally be “cheesy” are loved because the meaning attached to it. In fact, the older your kids get, the more they want to maintain those “old fashioned” practices your family has.

While the world spends billions of dollars convincing us to think selfishly – make sure you create traditions that celebrate Jesus, and family, and loving other people. We watched Toy Story 3 last night as a family. What a fun story to share with the kids, but in real life toys do wear out and eventually get discarded. We lose pieces to our games and electronics stop working. The best present of all was Jesus; so anything that causes our kids to reflect on that is good. Anything that causes them to reflect back on Christmas and its true meaning is even better. I didn’t want to bid farewell to Christmas 2010 without wishing all of you a very blessed and merry Christmas. May the face of Jesus shine on you long after the Christmas decorations are taken down. Thanks for visiting our blog and we hope you return as we head into 2011.

The Next Generation

David — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 23:35:00 GMT

Psalm 78 says this: ⁵ He decreed statutes for Jacob and established the law in Israel, which he commanded our ancestors to teach their children, ⁶ so the next generation would know them,
even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children.

One of the great tragedies right now in our culture is the isolation of two generations. Research reveals that teenagers are developmentally at an age where they are literally wired for risk taking and yet brain development leaves them vulnerable based on their ability to link actions to consequences. This doesn’t give them an excuse for bad behavior but it certainly punctuates the need for strong parenting during this season of their life. But adolescents can often look messy, especially as seen through the eyes of older adults. Our solution in many instances is to isolate them – get them a youth building at church (with padded walls J). On the other end of the spectrum our most mature folks are being put (in some cases by their choosing and sometimes out of necessity) in retirement communities so the “experts” can care for them. In a sense we have bookends of isolation. One end that desperately needs guidance and wisdom but doesn’t even realize it. The other end filled with wisdom and experience but not always called upon or in some cases willing.

Our culture is isolating, our churches are isolating, and our families are isolating. Our kids miss out on stories about “the good old days”. I’m not naïve enough to think this is always easy. This is going to sound judgmental – it’s not meant to be. But what a tragedy for our grandparents to spend all their time in retirement homes with time to burn; meanwhile their grandkids, whose parents are scrambling to find time in a busy schedule, kill time playing X-Box and updating their status on Facebook. I know some seniors are spending a well earned retirement in warmer climates, but is there a correlation between how much we value our grandparents and how much time they spend in Arizona or Florida? If you want a reason to teach your kids to respect age and their elders here it is – so someday when grandparents are no longer high energy and they can’t keep up on the computer and they forget simple things during a conversation your kids will still honor and revere them. Even if they have issues, which many do, they still represent a part of your child’s history. But don’t let that cause us to miss out on grandparents that have time, can provide a rich backdrop for your child’s heritage, and hold a wealth of wisdom to pass on to the next generation.

Grandma Miller teaching knitting with my kids. (And yes she's taught ALL my kids to knit)

My mother-in-law (I will blog more about her later) is the last grandparent alive for my kids. How I wish the others were still around to see my kids play football and basketball – I wish they could be there for my son’s rite of passage or at church to hear me preach. But they’re gone, so I’m certainly not going to waste opportunities for my kids to be with their grandmother! I realize for some of you, grandparents aren’t an option or at least a good option. That’s when the church needs to step in as a “father to the fatherless”. It’s an opportunity for the seniors (in our church we call them the prime timers) to live out Psalm 78 and invest in the “next generation”. Of course the next generation must honor and respect their elders; which brings me back to how we train up our children. We must work hard as parents and as the church to bring the two bookends together so those with wisdom and time can invest into those who have the strength but so desperately need the experience. It’s not always easy, but it’s so worth the effort.

Oh Christmas Tree Oh Christmas Tree

David — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 04:00:00 GMT

Better late than never I suppose. Each year we try to get our Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving and decorate it before the weekend is out. That way the tree is up the entire month of December; only coming down after we celebrate the New Year. This year because of schedules and other factors we got our tree late. Kelli was able to get lights on the tree, but the annual ritual of donning the tree with decorations kept being put off. Last night we were finally able to gather the kids and adorn its branches with everything from this year’s addition (more on that in a moment) to ornaments made by the kids in kindergarten (that only a mother could love). When it was over the tree was awesome; not so much how beautiful it looked (although it did look amazing!) but because of what it represented to Kelli and me. It is our twenty eighth Christmas together. Those decorations pay tribute to years of journeying together in our marriage, in our parenting, and in our life as a family.

One tradition we have tried to follow with our tree maybe shouldn’t be called a tradition since we’ve missed several years. But it’s significant enough that I will mention it. Almost every year one of the gifts we have bought our family is an ornament. It started early in our marriage when we were shopping. I’m a sap when it comes to Christmas. I’m a marketer’s best friend because I want everything that says Christmas( thank you Dave Ramsey for giving me some tools to control that part of me.) But back to the story – we saw one of those cool moving ornaments at Hallmark. It had a little train that went round and round. That particular year I had just taken a train ride with our two oldest kids Alyse and Krista. They were very young (I’ll tell you some stories from that trip another time!). A train ride? No big deal right? This one was 36 hours from Centralia, Washington to Denver, CO to visit Kelli’s folks. I rode the train round trip with a different daughter each way while Kelli flew with baby Tavita and the other daughter (again, more later). So this ornament seemed a fun way to memorialize the trip. The ornament has long since stopped working – we even tried to send it in to get fixed. But it still reminds us of Christmas 1987. We started looking for one moving ornament each year. Many of them corresponded with significant events from the year they were acquired; others had general meaning to our family, and others we just liked. Some years we struggled to find something that worked and ended up skipping them. But our tree is full of moving cars, Winnie the Pooh, a kissing Santa (although we’ve lost Mrs. Claus that he’s supposed to kiss) and football stadiums complete with moving players. Interspersed amongst our motion filled ornaments are hanging fond memories of school Christmas projects, gifts, and other smatterings of stories and love.

Everyone adds their touch to the tree!

This year was particularly hard to coordinate all our schedules. We came close on several occasions to just giving up and finishing the job ourselves. But if I have any advice this Christmas to those reading my words, don’t give up. I actually had to send out a text to schedule our decorating event for 9pm on Sunday night! And we were still competing against other things – like Christmas parties and movies with friends. Because of the timing, one of my kids had a bad attitude leading up to our occasion. In the end EVERYONE was glad to be there and we ALL had a wonderful time of laughing with some singing,dancing and pictures mixed in! It’s hard to stick to things like decorating the tree together, especially as your kids get older. Maybe you’ve heard it in your home, “dad, really, do we have to do this tonight – I have to go to …” Do what you can to make these traditions fun – bring in food, or snacks, play fun Christmas music, be willing to get out of your comfort zone if need be. Do whatever it takes, but don’t lose heart! Work hard to establish traditions when they are young and then keep your resolve as they get older. Someday they will be married and gone and wishing they were back sharing in those rituals they once mocked!

Especially When It's Hard

David — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 05:54:00 GMT

According to Dave Ramsey 13.6 million Americans are still paying of credit card debt from the 2009 holidays. That doesn’t include the number of Americans that are accumulating more debt for 2010. I know in many cases things are charged and debt is incurred out of a heart of love. Parents who love their kids and want them to have a “merry” Christmas decide to throw down the Visa rather than say no. It’s hard – as Dave Ramsey likes to point out we are no match for the professionals that market this stuff. Add to slick marketing the cultural pressure and we are in trouble. Now put on top of all that, a parent’s desire to give their child good things and it’s nearly impossible.

"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Luke 11:11

We could easily read a verse like this in Luke and find ourselves (incorrectly I believe) translating it, “which of you fathers (or mothers), if your son (or daughter) asks for an X-Box (or I Pad), will give him/her a pair of jeans?” We love our kids – we want to give them the best. We want them to be “happy” especially during Christmas. And that is a GOOD thing!

When we teach parenting one of our more popular seminars is The Three Most Important Things to Teach Your Child. We’ll talk more about them in the future, but they are 1) to love God 2) to obey you (the parents) and 3) to have self-control. The first two are taken directly from the bible where loving God (according to Jesus) is the greatest commandment and in Ephesians 6 where children are given a direct mandate to obey their parents. The third item, self-control, is obviously spoken of many times (Prov 16:32; 25:28, Acts 24:25, Gal 5:23, 1 Tim 3:2, Titus 2: 2,5,6,12, 2 Peter 1:6) but isn’t as obvious a choice for the top 3 things to teach a child. We are convinced of the importance of teaching this particular character quality. Often parents will ask, but how do you teach a character quality like self-control. Might I suggest Christmas time could be a great place to start?

One of the principles we teach concerning self-control has to do with exercising that control regardless of your situation. In other words it’s easy to have self-control when everything is going good. I’m pretty good when I’m rested, I have money in the bank, and Kelli’s happy. But real self-control takes place when I’m tired, money’s tight and Kelli’s irritated with me. How do I act then? The same is true with your kids and their training. Teach them to have control regardless of their circumstances. During the Christmas season emotions are on overload. They are being influenced by the same marketing wizards that out match you. They have a culture convincing them of all the things they need. Schedules this time of year are hectic and kids are often operating on too little sleep. Winter weather can mean more sick kids in the home. And if your family is dealing with a deployment, or a recent death, or any family struggle those emotions are multiplied. So who could blame the parent that can’t say no to an emotional child standing in the store begging for an X-Box? Can I let you in on a little secret; parenting is hard! But our kids need us to stay strong and to do the right thing.

Tana at 12 months old (the Bionic Man) and today at eighteen

I remember when Tana was less than a week old. I was coaching football at Centralia High School. All of a sudden I see Kelli flying toward the football field in our van in the middle of practice. Through tears she filled me in on the phone call she had just received from the doctor. They were worried about Tana’s heart; so much so that we needed to immediately drive him to Mary Bridge Children’s hospital NICU, the intensive care unit for newborns. I won’t bore you with the details of our next eighteen months; suffice to say it was a scary chapter in our family’s story. Every six hours, without fail, for eighteen months, we had to give Tana Inderal for his heart. They thought he had a condition called long QT syndrome. Had he ultimately been diagnosed with that particular ailment it would have meant no strenuous activity – he would never pass a physical to participate in things like athletics. If you know Tana today, you’d know how unfathomable that thought is. Obviously he wasn’t diagnosed with long QT and ultimately his heart was healthy. But I can tell you; during that time it was difficult to discipline him. On a regular basis we were hooking him up to a Holter Monitor so he looked like the Bionic Man (I’m really dating myself). Every night he slept in our bed with us because we were fearful his heart might suddenly stop. We couldn’t let him run too much – we weren’t even supposed to startle him with a surprise birthday party. If this was going to be his life, how could we possibly withhold anything from him? But we had to make a conscious decision. If he was going to be “challenged” for life, we weren’t going to cripple him twice by withholding discipline and teaching him the same self control that we were teaching our other children. When our kids are hurting it can be extremely hard to keep our expectations high, but we must! Train your kids to have self control even if it’s hard – in fact train self control especially when it’s hard. Someday they will thank you for it.

Bad Parents?

David — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 15:54:00 GMT

After you read today’s post, you might never be willing to listen to us or read our blog again. I mentioned a few days ago about our midnight excursion to watch the premiere of The Dawn Treader. Some of you read that and questioned the wisdom of taking school age kids to a midnight movie on a school night. Don’t worry, it gets worse! Movies for our family have become a very special thing. First being in ministry it has always been a big deal to even be able to go to movies (and I’m one of those that HAS to eat popcorn at a movie!) and second somehow I’ve raised a family of movie buffs. You don’t want to get into a movie trivia game with Tavita or Jason – either about actors or movie lines. We’ve watched our share of really good movies like Remember the Titans and Hoosiers; but we’ve also watched our share of duds like the first Hulk. My kids know that after we watch a movie we will discuss the message sent or agenda pushed; we rarely watch without a little analyzing. That’s not to say we don’t enjoy being entertained, but I’m not one to pass up an opportunity for a teachable moment!

Often when I’m leading a group I’ll have them introduce themselves by sharing their “favorite”. For instance I might say, tell us your name, where you are from and your favorite ice cream. However my most often used “favorite” is movie. My personal answer has been the same for thirty years – Star Wars. I can sense that I already lost some of you with that revelation! Don’t worry it gets worse. I’m going to date myself, but I was in high school when Time magazine did a cover story about a new sci-fi motion picture that some were saying would be the movie of the year. It was 1977 and that movie of course was Star Wars – I was hooked. So you can forgive me (well maybe you can?) for my excitement when they finally decided to continue the saga by releasing the Phantom Menace (the fourth Star Wars installment and chapter one of the tale but that’s another story altogether). We were living in Centralia at the time and our local theatre would carry the movie on its release date. By the time the movie came out it had been the topic of conversation in our home many times. The decision was made to catch the first showing of the movie together as a family. I had waited sixteen years for this and I would get to share Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia with my kids! There was a problem. The premiere showing would be on a Wednesday at noon. With all of the national hype, it would undoubtedly be sold out. So here’s my confession – we pulled Krista from school to wait in line. That’s right, together with her friend (she was homeschooled) we dropped them off at the theatre with folding chairs at 7am to wait in line. Of course they weren’t even close to being first in line. The rest of us met her there later that morning (some of us had to be responsible and go to work!).

Sunglasses at 2AM? No - 3D glasses at the Dawn Treader!

As it turned out the movie was awesome, but the experience was better. As you know we wrote a book, Going Public, a couple of years ago. We are very supportive of teachers and education (we’ll blog about education another time). But I’ve often kidded; never let school get in the way of your child’s education. My kids still talk about that day. They can’t believe dad let them miss school to see a movie(I know some of you are thinking the same thing); and a sci-fi movie at that. I’m not sure what they missed that day in school – I do know they made up the work. We don’t do that type of thing very often, in fact almost never, or it would lose its impact. But we are known for seeking out opportunities to make a memory with our kids. As I finish writing this I’m also finishing my morning cup of coffee. And of course I’m drinking it in my favorite cup given to me by my kids – that’s right a Star Wars mug!

Traditions are made to be tweaked…

David — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 07:54:00 GMT

Finally, fifteen days late and missing a few of our kids, we made the trek (in the pouring down rain!) to pick up our Christmas tree. Traditionally we’ve done the annual tree toppling the day after Thanksgiving. I (David) have always been a sucker for Christmas and everything that goes with it. Of course I know the true meaning of Christmas. I love the things that remind us of that meaning – nativity scenes, Christmas songs, and even special movies. But I also love Christmas lights, stockings, candy canes, and of course Christmas trees. As I’m writing this we’re all sitting around the living room watching “cheesy” Christmas movies on the Lifetime channel. Growing up my kids hated being stuck in the van with me this time of year because I’d make everyone sing Christmas carols. Yes, I’m “that” dad! The truth is, while our kids groan and moan about all the “cheesy” traditions – inside they it gives them stability and they love it.

Success at the Christmas tree farm!

Our schedule this year (I was out of town with my older kids) didn’t allow us to get the tree on our traditional day (the day after Christmas) and then trying to coordinate our family’s schedule made getting our tree difficult. My kids know I don’t like just going down to the local tree lot to get a tree. Whenever possible we want to make a memory! So this morning (Saturday), the only opportunity this week they had to sleep in, I made them wake up early so we could drive down to Tumwater, Washington and visit our favorite tree farm, Clyde and Dale’s. It’s more than getting a Christmas tree – they have a wagon pulled by a team of horses to take you around the farm and to pick up your tree after you cut it. My kids did not want to get up – and it would have been easy to give in and decide on a local tree lot. But traditions and memories take commitment and resolve. I don’t want to overstate this, but I do believe it’s worth fighting through the whining in order to create something meaningful. Besides, there’s not much a stop on the way at Starbuck’s doesn’t make a little better. We did get a great tree, but more importantly we made a memory.

What about Reepicheep?

David — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 02:44:00 GMT

One subject that creates a lot of angst and anxiety among parents is morning devotions. Early in our marriage we struggled matching our desire to do morning devotions with the resolve and commitment to make it happen. Some of you know we eventually settled on reading five Psalms and one Proverb each morning. For the past twenty years, with very few exceptions, we’ve done that in our home. We will tell you more in a future blog. Tonight I want to share one of those “exceptions”.

As I said, virtually every school morning at 6:30 you will find our family sitting around the living room reading God’s word. But, every once in a while we’ve taken a break from Psalms and Proverbs – never for very long and usually for a specific purpose. For instance, if our church is doing a special study we might substitute that for our traditional reading. The other reason we’ve strayed is deeply religious– an upcoming Hollywood movie! Ok, maybe not deeply religious, but not completely void of spiritual meaning. For the past week or so, in anticipation of the release of “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” (which opens tomorrow night at midnight), we have been reading C.S. Lewis’ book by the same name. While it isn’t the poetry of David or the Wisdom of Solomon – it is filled with lessons if you are diligent to look for them. For instance this morning we read about Queen Lucy (if you aren’t familiar with the Chronicles of Narnia, I’m not going to attempt to catch you up in this writing – sorry) making a bad decision to eavesdrop on a close friend. Saddened by what she heard and unable to shake the pain of the hurtful words her friend said, Lucy is confronted by the great lion Aslan. Remorseful for possibly ruining the future with her friend, Lucy asks Aslan if it would have been different had she not eavesdropped. Aslan’s response is a great reminder for us as we make choices in life – “Child” said Aslan, “did I not explain to you once before that no one is ever told what would have happened?” How often do we pray and then make a decision we know we shouldn’t only to be left wondering what might have been. Today’s chapter is hopefully an encouragement to make wise decisions whenever possible.

The kids know why we read Psalms and Proverbs – but they also enjoy our occasional departures from God’s word. It’s been fun visiting Narnia again – and of course the bonus is we get to watch the movie! If you don’t know what a Reepicheep is, might I suggest reading the entire series by C.S. Lewis or you can go to the movies – Thursday at midnight if you are brave!